So I should really be studying for history and computers but I just don't feel like going it. This seems to be the rut I'm in lately. I can't get myself to want to do anything. I guess all the ex-fiance drama is getting to me. I was starting to make some small headway in moving on with my life but for some reason I'm just not over it, and it's affecting every aspect of my life right now.

I guess I should really start by explaining the whole story about what happened between us.

When he broke up with me I didn't want the relationship to be over. I still thought it was worth saving. I told him I wanted to keep the possibility of us getting back together open. And he agreed we'd still be best friends. We continued to talk all the time and then one day, my BIRTHDAY, he stopped answering my phone calls. He texted me Happy Birthday!!!!!! and I replied that I'd call him after work and he said OK then never answered my call. I tried two times that night and he never answered and I cried myself to sleep that night, making it the 2nd birthday in a row that he made me cry.

I didn't hear from him again for 3 weeks when I sent him a Happy Birthday text. Only it wasn't him texting me back but the girl he moved in with him wanting to know who I was. Needless to say there was a big a fight and I spent most of the night crying and awoke with a migraine.

So I stopped talking to him and tried to explain to everyone in my family and my friends that yes, it really was over. And then I found out that she had called my grandma demanding to know who she was and why her number showed up in his phone. So I let him know that she was not for any reason to call anyone in my family, but of cource, it was her who responded and we got into another big fight as he absolutely denies anything that she did as I'm just a an F-ing B-word who can't stand to see him happy. His words, not mine. And he preceded to tell me what a low-life person I am and how I'm user who cares for no one but myself and that I'm also an F-ing C-word and he hopes my feelings a hurt as he doesn't care a damm thing for me because I'm such a selfish B-word. Selfish because I wanted to go back to school. And, all this while he is screaming at me on the phone, his brother and girlfriend are laughing in background and cheering him on.

I don't know who this man is, but he is not the man I met 3 1/2 years ago and if that is who he wants to be and that is the girl she is then I guess they're perfect for one another.

So I've been doing my own thing and trying to move on and try and live my life and I havn't talked to him or her and that B-word hunts me down on myspace Last Week. Are you kidding? Grow up and leave me alone! I am not talking to you and I refuse to start a fight with some one who cannot behave like an adult. And then his Best friend emails me. What?

I was doing fine till this incident. Now I can't get all these things out of my head. It's all I can think about no matter what I do. I've read 2 palahnuik books this week, knitted a baby hat, started knitting a scarf, started a new scrapbook and fallen back into my bad habbit of buying things to make me feel better and eating out and endless trips to starbucks. I've think I've gone through almost $600 in just the last 2 1/2 weeks. And yet, of cource, nothing helps.

And so now here I am. Not studying for class because 1. I can't settle my mind and 2. because I don't even care anymore.Why should I care? I cared once, and look what it got me-nothing! Nothing but problems and hurt because I'm selfish because I wanted to go back to school beacause I wanted better because I'm an F-ing B-word.